living the questions

Mission

2011-07-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

Before Steven R. Covey wrote about living a principles centered life in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he wrote a book called The Divine Center. I thank Ms. Sarah Grainger for sharing that book with me as it's main concept has stayed with me and even now is changing the way I am choosing to live my life. The idea is that we each choose something to be at the center of our lives. It may be family, money, self, church, leisure or any other thing from which our actions, thoughts and beliefs spring. As Christ, however, is the source of truth, the source of light by which we can understand truth and the very rock of our redemption, He is the only thing/person on which we can center our lives securely. Even family and church, as human as they are, can lead us away from the source of truth if we choose to place one of them at our center.

This passing week has held incredible amounts of revelation for me. I have come to realize that my most recent career path--as an elementary school teacher--although wonderful is not in alignment with who I am and what I have come to this earth to do. I have had profound moments of remembering--wherein moments past were brought to mind. Each of these involved me giving my will over to my Father in Heaven as well as sharing with Him my desire to be an instrument in His hands, to bring His children closer to him. And time and again throughout my life I have felt impressed and desirous to do this through creating life-changing media. And so this is what I will be doing once again, and I am dedicating my full efforts to this mission of mine.

Discussions with Amelia, with my mom, with Amy and others helped me to recognize that I needed to get back into film. But it was the Genius Bootcamp workshop that I attended, hosted by Shantel McBride and created by Leslie Householder that created the space for personal revelation and the re-understanding of what I was born to do. These two women are amazing and Leslie in particular has helped me through her various programs to learn more about how to trust inspiration and to achieve our goals and dreams. As a matter of fact, I have done her Family, Time, Money, Freedom goal setting course a few times in the past few years each time with the same goal. I expected to focus on the same goal at the Genius Bootcamp and was surprised to feel pulled to another.

The goal I had been focusing on was the goal of marriage: of being and doing all I could to find my companion and start our family. What could be a more noble goal? It has been the focus of my thoughts and dreams steadily for the last few years. I want to progress and marriage is how I want to progress. I want to learn more about love and I want to create and bring beautiful babies into this world to teach and raise up in the ways of righteousness. As I have focused on this I have assumed that in fact this is what my life is about. I have had so many rich experiences that have helped fashion me into an amazing companion and mother. And now (now being every day for the last few years) it is time for me to contribute that amazing life to the creation of my own family.

As my mission to bring souls to Christ was returned to me this weekend, I realized that I have not been living a Christ-centered life. He has not been the focus of my thoughts, no matter how many times I have prayed to Him. No, this elusive family has been. Along with the strivings and the pains at not having it.

I now declare that I was not put on this earth to become a wife and a mother. My purpose is to become like my Heavenly Father. What He wants from me is my heart and my service and my passion dedicated to the building up of His kingdom. Raising a family up unto him with my wonderful husband is part of that of course, but it is not the goal and it is not the focus. It is a blessing I will in perfect time receive to help me fulfill my mission: to do the Lord's work and glory.

I admit this is all a little scary and in some ways ambiguous. But it is also incredibly exciting and liberating. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me!!!

New Things

2011-07-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am or have been reading the following in the last little while:
Killing Sacred Cows
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Portal to Genius
What Color is Your Parachute
The 4-Hour Work Week
etc.
The watchword is value creation. My whole life paradigm is being shifted. It appears, as I study and learn and apply that I have in fact been living more of this ideal lifestyle than less. I have in fact been living my dreams. And each new element I am receiving and learning is unlocking more opportunity and more dreams! I live a successful life! What an amazing thing to realize!

I'm Trying (old posts)

2011-07-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well, here I go again. Thoughts and things to share. I want to give this whole blogging thing a try and can't quite divorce myself from the attempts I have already made. So here is a link to the posts on the blog I created while I was in London. There aren't that many, but hey--they cover some thoughts from 2008-2009.
:)

http://anamericaninlondontown.blogspot.com/

Puzzle

2008-10-13T04:30:00.000-07:00

I've never much been one for puzzles. Boring, besides being a waste of time. Well, I left all of my games back in NY and Judith only has a few intense ones. So when her sister Nat came over for dinner we pulled out her puzzle globe of the world. Aha! A chance to show off my geographic smarts! if there were a puzzle I'd actually be willing to do, this would be it.
We spent the better part of a few hours working away on this puzzle. Nat claimed Europe and I seemingly claimed the rest of the world. Judith pooled together pieces of Russia and China, systematically dividing up things that seemed to go together. We had a great time and by the end of the evening we had the seven continents put together as well as good sections of Indonesia and the various islands of Oceania.
Good enough for me, I figured. Impossible to figure out the oceans anyways. I looked at what we'd done and took note of how large the waters were and how little land there seemed to be.
We put aside the puzzle with plans to finish it another day.
I came back to is a few times, filling in borders, figuring out the pieces that were a little more obvious.
Last night James came over for dinner. After a yummy banoffee pie we all settled down to work on the puzzle again. By this time there were only blue pieces seemingly with no significant markings to tell them apart one from another. Some parts seemed to be most definitely missing--a part of the puzzle that clearly had words on it and no puzzle pieces remaining with words! Judith seemed excited and suggested that we put pieces together based on trade routes and longitudinal lines. I found myself feeling frustrated and annoyed--enough already. This part is so boring and I don't even think it is possible to do without looking at the numbers on the back. However, to avoid being unsocial I worked away at it with them, grumbling only ever so often.
We got quite far, and this morning I felt the overwhelming urge to finish it. As I looked at the seemingly indiscriminate pieces I became more convinced that many pieces were missing and that the puzzle was incompletable without them.
I would take the ocean pieces and try to match them up with trade routes. A few had dark blue dash line on them--signifying one of the tropics. But I would go to the few sections where the tropics weren't filled in and find that my pieces, the ones that obviously went there, didn't fit.
I was discovering, in wonder, that even though I knew where certain pieces went, they wouldn't fit. They couldn't fit until I found another piece that bordered them. Or, that pieces which obviously DIDN'T fit, once another bordering piece was placed, in fact did fit, and perfectly. Soon my excitement at placing all of these little details and moving them around until I could see where they belonged felt more rewarding even than fitting the pieces together in the beginning that felt obvious to me but were a result of my love for world cultures (the stans? the countries of Central Africa?).
It is easy and sometimes fun to figure out our lives based on past experience. Oh of COURSE I know where that piece goes, I recognize the nin as being part of the name Benin. It feels good to know that the things we have learned are still in there somewhere.
It is through these learned experiences that we build the foundation of our lives. The basis of the puzzle. From there, we start exploring. And we may find it boring or frustrating. "I have no frame of reference for this! I don't know what or where this is and I have no way of figuring it out!" "This absolutely MUST fit here, but it doesn't! This makes no sense!" "Obviously pieces have been lost, there is no way to complete this puzzle." But if we keep at it we find ourselves surprised and even at moments filled with wonder when things in fact do fit together but in ways we never would have expected. THere is the joy in those moments when a bordering piece has been figured out and you can finally place that section that you KNEW fit there, even if you couldn't figure out how.
And when you actually put it all together, and step back and look at your creation, you are amazed at the process and the outcome. Yes, everything DOES fit together, even more ingeniously than the obvious ways you would have tried to fit them together. All in the right order and in the right place.

New York I love you

2008-06-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Let's not discuss all of the half written entries I have in my draft box on my blog settings and just hope I get through this one...

Here is a quote that I read on the bus this evening.

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter--the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last--the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the intense excitement of first love, each absorbs New York with the fresh yes of an adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company. . . .
--EB White, 1948

I get attached to things. Most of you know that my first city love was St. Petersburg. To this day it is special to me. I fell in love with Piter when I was perhaps nine or ten, writing odes to the city and cursing the unfairness of life that I couldn't be there in Russia as communism fell and the tanks filled the streets of Red Square (yes, I was eleven.)

New York has been a different kind of lover. Perhaps you could say it was my first mature relationship. I abandoned myself fully to it even as I feared it. Although I say that I moved here to pursue a career in film, I know that I moved here because I had to. I can't even remember when I first knew that I would live here, it just always seemed inevitable. The only American city that could contain my international sensibilities.

They say that being broken up with is harder than doing the leaving. I wonder about that. There is a sadness, a questioning that accompanies this otherwise exciting and joyful decision. I love New York so much. And yet I feel almost certain that I will never live here again. My truly international life begins this fall, at the cost of my New York life which I have treasured.

Living abroad in the past has been exhilarating and exciting, while also being safe. Each experience I knew was for a limited time; I even knew the extent of the time I would spend in my various ports of call. Flings, if you will (even if one lasted a year and a half :) .) It was part of the deal, the job I had signed up to do, the service I had committed to give. It was under someone else's jurisdiction. New York was never that way.

After awhile I started to believe that I would get to settle down here, I would get to be part of one of those foundational families whose kids grow up in the city, experiencing grocery shopping online and museum outings on rainy days. And in a million ways I would love to raise my family here.

But I have seen the desires of my childhood heart come to me throughout my life, and the desire to live abroad in a substantial way has never left, no matter how restfully it hibernated in my chest for five beautiful years here in Manhattan. Last spring I was lead (so completely that the miracle story deserves a posting of its own) to the grad program I had been searching for in the city I had been hoping for. And yet even then I couldn't make the commitment right away. It was nice to know I would be going, and nice to know that I still had over a year with my beloved New York.

But here I go now! London is calling and I am responding! I love London in its own way, and I hope that I never expect it to be New York.

When I leave New York it will be a completed experience. London for five years? Kazakhstan for a few? Geneva for ten? Once again I am preparing to hand myself over completely to an experience. New York, you have shown me that I can be safe in doing so. You have nurtured and taught me, loved me and challenged me. There is no place in the world like you. And yet, you are not my place. A love of my soul, but not my soul mate. Thank you for being a bosom friend to a free spirit. I know you are used to the love and used to the leaving, this is nothing new for you. But you really were the first love that I fully committed myself to, the love that aroused the passions of my grown up heart.

I thank you, and will love you forever.

(editor's note: you must know that the boy from the Corn Belt is the girl from Cornville, leaving with a manuscript on her computer and a pain in her heart.)

The most Valentines-y Valentines' ever.

2008-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

President Hinkley passed away. He is now reunited with his dearest Marjorie, his eternal love forever.
Ruth Faust passed away. She now gets to be "melted" for eternity. ("Ruth Faust adored James E. Faust—everything he did and said, every act or deed or gesture melted her. He felt the same way about her, and they were 'melted.'"--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)
In January Jared took a red-eye out to New York City from LA just to show up on Marissa's doorstep and proclaim his love for her. (His "I've-been-feeling-it-for-the-last-10-years" love for her that he could no longer suppress.) She took a flight to to CA to assess the situation. Now, she is trying to divest her unnecessary belongings before she moves out to "live in a little house and just have babies with [her] childhood bestfriend."
Corrie is convinced that Valentine's Day will be nothing special. She wants it to be, especially because this is the first year that she has had a boyfriend on Vaentine's Day(even if he lives across the country.) But Chris isn't romantic in that way, she says. I wish he would even just send me flowers.
I wish I could see her reaction when he shows up at her work today--delivering the flowers in person!!!
Sigh. I love love.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-love14feb14,1,7203534.story?page=1&track=rss

sharp focus

2008-01-28T05:53:00.000-08:00

Some events bring everything into sharper focus. President Gordon B. Hinkley passed away last night, beloved prophet and president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I woke up this morning and the outline of the sky and the definition of shapes all around me seemed so much sharper. I looked at the people walking past me and wondered how they could not know. I thought of the headlines on the newspapers this morning and how none of them reflected the most important event of the day. All of this walking and bustling to work seemed so insignificant. The thing that stood out most to me were the three homeless men that I saw on my path to work this morning. Three men with needs to be met.

Yesterday at church the two foci that stood out to me were the talks in sacrament meeting about following the living prophet and the lesson in Relief Society about sharing the gospel. The two are so intensely connected. I made a half-explained comment in the lesson about how we get so overwhelmed when people ask us about the church because of the weight of responsibility we feel--and how if we could get around that feeling we might be more effective in offering and sharing what we should share. The idea behind the comment was not wrong, but I am afraid that it may have read flippant, as if I were trying to soothe us all for not always sharing the way we should.

This morning as I thought with reverence about the beauty of prophetic succession and the sure knowledge that I have that our church leaders are called of God, I felt ovewhelmed with a sense of gratitude and blessedness that my confidence and faith in the leadership of the Church need never be questioned. It is not a matter of politics. It will not be months before the next president of the church is called. We have 14 leaders; 12 apostles and two counselors who have been called of God and are all worthy to fill the roll of the head of Christ's church in our day. President Monson, as the member of the Quorum longest called, according to tradition, will become our next president. We know this and honor and love him and know that he holds the priesthood keys and authorities. If for some reason another member of the quorum were callled, we also know that as a quorum, together they hold the prophetic right and responsibility to call another prophet, that these men respond to God's call and work through the Spirit of the Lord, and that they WILL receive revelation and knowledge of who is to lead the Church.

I feel myself open and loving of spirituality in general; I work for an ecumenical organization working for the unity of Christian denominations around the globe (of which my church is not a member) and I also engage in personal study of energy systems and some new age-ish forms of spiritualism. I am grateful for the truths and Christian love and examples that I learn from these various sources. But today all I want to proclaim to the world, to everyone I see and everyone I meet is this: That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints IS the very church the Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, established on the earth in the meridian of time--and that He has restored it in our day through the honored and beloved prophet Joseph Smith. While working on the inspired translation of the Book of Mormon, and following an inquiry he had regarding baptism as mentioned in the book, John the Bapist and then Peter, James and John all appeared to Joseph and gave him the priesthood as given them by Jesus Christ. Since those events the priesthood of God has been on the earth, never again to be taken away. It holds the authority of baptism and covenants; it holds the right to prophecy for the entire earth. Gordon B. Hinkley was the prophet not only for the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saitns, but for all of humanity. God bless those who were listening.
And so today, that very weight of responsibility rests heavy on my heart. Oh if only you all knew. If only I could tell you all. We have been led by God's prophet. His good and faithful servant has returned home now to his Beloved Father and his wonderful sweetheart and eternal companion whom he has missed. In the words of every eight year old, heartfelt testimony, I know this church is True, and I love it with all of my heart.

Blessings

2007-12-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting. Actively waiting, but waiting nonetheless. And sometimes waiting for blessings to come it seems as if they will never be here.
This morning I was blessed with a simple and repeat observation. My roommate Anna was looking at photos that her sister Amy recently put online of her little family. Amy has two beautiful two month old babies, a set of twins adopted by her and her husband. They are so precious, and the glowing smiles on Mom and Dad's faces are almost as lovely as the children themselves. The entire extended family has spent the last two months rejoicing in these bright little babies; they are a part of the family as if they always have been.
In looking at these pictures and sharing in the feelings of joy, I found myself remembering the years leading up to this day. I remembered how much Amy and her husband Kelly had longed to start their family; how many treatments and options they had gone through in an effort to get pregnant. I remembered how the entire family would fast together and pray repeatedly for them to have these worthy and important blessings in their lives. I remembered their decision to try for adoption and the different difficulties and hopings inherent in that. Mostly I remembered the longing throughout her family for Amy to have this blessing that she yearned for above all else. I have never even spoken with Amy about it, but I have even felt it myself--and joined in the fasting for this little family to be blessed with children.
And here, finally, 2-3 years later, they have two beautiful children. It is as if the longing is completely forgotten in the joy of the current reality.
As I looked at the pictures of these babies; I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel when that which I yearn for comes into my life. I imagine that the joy and the matter-of-fact-ed-ness of the situation will completely overshadow the longing I once felt. It will feel as if I have always had it, as if I was never without it. I may remember, but the pain won't be real to me anymore. And so it is with blessings. When we finally, finally get them, our fullness of joy in the receiving will be all that we know.
A good thing to remember in the waiting.

evidence

2007-02-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

"Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
Hebrews 11:1 (kjv)

Faith...is the evidence of things unseen. The evidence of things unseen is faith.

OK, what is this saying? That things we do not or cannot see, things unseen still have an evidence of their existence. The evidence of that existence is faith. "All true faith must be based upon correct knowledge or it cannot produce the correct results." (LDS Bible Dictionary)
So, when we have faith in a true principle or event, the existence of that faith in our hearts is the evidence that the principle or idea is good! Truth nurtured in the heart breeds faith. Feeling (true) faith about something (true) evidences to us that the thing is true and real.
This is a realization that can help us to not cast out the seed. If we feel the faith, (I would classify this as a feeling of confidence, assurance, hope, peace, humility, joy and anything else that can be understood as a fruit of the spirit) take that as evidence that it is true! Don't cast it out because ye see not! Faith isn't the evidence of things seen, it is the evidence of things unseen. That is why it no longer becomes faith when we see it--it then becomes knowledge. (So, is knowledge that follows faith the evidence of things seen?)

Alma chapter 32 in the Book of Mormon seems to hold two different discourses: one on humility and one on faith. On closer examination though, the discourse on humility is the lead in to the discussion on faith.
verse 16-17
"Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God, and is baptized without stubbornness of heart, yea, without being brought to know the word, before they will believe.
Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe."

Showing a sign before there is belief would be a great disservice to the asking individual. It would undermine the quest for faith-building because the sign would already be seen, there would be no need for an evidence of unseen things. Humility is requisite in the process of faith--pride requires visible evidence to quench our need for knowledge and something physical to back up that knowledge. Humility creates an open space in the heart to believe the word as it is said or felt, to believe something that gives no immediate reward of a visible sign.

v. 18
"Now I ask, is this faith? Behold I say unto you, nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it."

v. 28
"Now we will compare the word unto a seed."

Faith is not the seed, the seed is the word, or that which God reveals to you or through the prophets. That which is testified of by the Spirit. Faith is the planting of the seed and it feeds the seed into growth and eventual sprouting. As it grows so does your faith, because greater evidences of unseen things are touching your heart.

The seed causes a swellling in your soul, your mind begins to expand. You experience light. These are all evidences that have now brought knowledge--perfect knowledge in that thing. Now, you can have perfect knowledge in that thing, in the word, in the seed. But still it is only a seed. You have planted it to know if it was good, if it would grow and be a worthy thing to continue focusing your faith upon. But the knowledge is only in the seed, you've not yet allowed the tree to grow.
This explains what seemed to be a dichotomy to me earlier:
"now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing." and then one verse later: "Behold, after ye have tasted of this light is your knowledge perfect? Behold I say unto you, nay; neither must you lay aside your faith for ye have only exercized your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good. And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring fruit unto us."

Your perfect knowledge in the goodness of the seed does not rule out your personal responsibility to nourish it to adulthood. We can know that a thing is good, but this is the part where we decide if it is worth it to us to do whatever work necessary to nourish the good seed and let it grow, bloom and bless us with delicious fruit to sustain us.

Why is faith so important if we can just know, if God can just show us? Why is it a needed quality in his disciples? Obviously this question has many answers. Here is one I thought of:

31: And now, behold, are ye sure that that this is a good seed? I say unto you, yea; for every seed bringeth forth its own likeness.

I think true faith engages us in the process of creation. In some cases of faith we are asked to believe something that is shared with us from another; often a gospel message shared by prophets. In other cases, we are asked to search the desires of our hearts, find the good things and ask for them to be manifested in our lives. We exercize faith that the thing we have asked for is good, and as the seed begins to grow we receive greater light about it. As pointed out in the above scripture, every seed bringeth forth its own likeness. The blueprint of what the desire holds is in that spiritual seed. We plant that seed, exercize faith, and then contine to believe
as we nourish it and see the spiritual seed manifest itself in the physical realm eventually growing up into a tree. WE can from each point determine how much we want to do to help that tree grow. The seed may have been good, the Lord may have blessed it through his spirit, but it is our faith (through the enabling power of the Atonement) that will determine if it will grow into full fruit bearing maturity. We have great power in creating our lives. He wants us to take hold of it.

Meredith Monk

2006-11-13T20:31:00.000-08:00

Heard of marilyn Monk? mari-mayde-meredith Monk
the lady with vocal vituals partical- ularly
and faces that move oov oov oov oov oop
with popsicle sounds
shimmery shimmery shimmery

docushmockulockudocumentary
mac-a -lac-a-lac-a-lac
finally inaly cut like a pro
in a box
with my sock randomanimal.

to move the way her sounds sounding
tiglytigly on my laptop
only fingers particularly dancing
par-tic-u-lar meredith
mushing mushing

sounds for the sound of sounds

Patience

2006-09-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Two recent experiences reached a head in the last little while. One work related, one relationship related. In each experience I spent time working and praying to help things come together. I was extremely excited about both opportunities and felt, when I prayed that the Lord was instructing me, guiding me and helping me to know the best things to do to reach the blessings/outcomes I yearned for. There came a point where I felt in both situations the need to then wait on others to make decisions. I had done all that I knew to do, all that I had been instructed to do and was them impressed with a certain word: patience. It is the feeling that came over me each time I prayed regarding both situations, in the interrim when others were making decisions that would affect me. The peaceful feeling supplemented by the word "patience" that kept floating in my head suggested to me that things would turn out just as I had hoped and worked for.
Then, one day I find out that the relationship is not headed where I had hoped. The next I am alerted that the job opportunity I had worked for had been given to someone else.
And somehow, I was excited! I wasn't sure why.
I started pondering this word-patience-and trying to figure out why the Spirit had whispered it to me if I wasn't going to be blessed with the outcome I hoped for.

I was reminded of an article by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (a beyond awesome article) called "Cast Not Away Therefore your Confidence." I read it and the verses that the title came from in Hebrews held the answer to that which I was trying to figure out!

Hebrews 10:35-36
"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

So--my requirement was to maintain confidence throughout the duration of the test/experience. I did that--perhaps better with the work opp that with the relationship but, well nonetheless. Because I did so, I will be blessed with a reward. Here's the thing. I have need of patience, because now that I have done the Lord's will (seemingly to naught) I can be assured of the promise or reward. It is just my job to patiently await it! And we often assume that the reward for guidance is straightforward; opportunities like these teach us otherwise.
Every time the Lord gives us guidance it is to bless us. He wouldn't have guided me only to say-- well, good job for listening and working hard. But-no blessing for you. In fact, because I know he was with me each step of the way I have no need to doubt the experience and can know instead that the current outcome as well as future blessings are much better than the object I was striving for! The Lord does not taunt us with blessings we desire only to pull them out from under our noses. He instead blesses us with greater ones.

Promised

2006-08-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

In 1st Nephi chapter 5 (in the Book of Mormon) Sariah is losing faith. She has obediently followed her husband Lehi the prophet into the wilderness with her children because he had been warned by the Lord that Jerusalem was to be destroyed. Already the prophet Jeremiah was imprisoned and Lehi himself had been threatened.

While in the wilderness, Lehi sends his sons back to Jerusalem to retrieve the brass plates, the family's book of ancestry and scripture. They have been gone for awhile and Sariah fears that they have perished. She complains agains Lehi, calling him a 'visionary man'and saying "Behold, thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness."
Lehi responds by telling her that he knows he is a visionary man, for if he hadn't seen the things of God in a vision, he would not have known of the Lord's goodness, and he would not have been offered a land of promise, the place the Lord was now leading them to.
Thus Lehi comforted Sariah and a few verses later her sons return to the family with the brass plates in hand.

As soon as I graduated from college I moved to that mecca of dreammaking- the city of New York. I have been here for three years, finding myself, processing my desires, figuring out what the Lord wants of me and what I want to make of myself. I have been successful in many ways. I watch myself growing, I see how the Lord is opening paths for me to achieve the things my heart most desires after.
This month, however, and at various moments in the past three years, I have seen an impasse occur between dream-achieving and rent paying. Or so it seemed. There have been moments when I was sure that my sons had perished in the wilderness. And that my dreams were foolhardy and un-thought-out. Mostly because there is this sense of reality, or this idea of reality that presses down on dreamers sometimes; that dreaming is irresponsibility and simply avoiding the mature necessities of adulthood.

I was struck though, this time reading this story of how the Lord works with dreamers. Lehi wasn't an irresponsible man. He seemed to be a good steward of the things the Lord had placed in his protection. He was prepared to lead his family into the unknown because he knew that the Lord would guide them. He trusted his heart and his dreams-given to him by God.
I realized that although my dreams are personal and focused on individual goals and desires, they lead me to where I want to be most. That the Lord leads dreamers. That when we follow our dreams we reach our promised land. Sometimes I find myself being Sariah to my inner Lehi. But being a Visionary woman is a good thing. And I don't have to lose my sons. Or not pay rent. But i do need to be a good steward of the things and responsibilities under my stewardship. And the Lord helps me to do that.

----
This idea of the Lord's promises-and his guidance to the promised land- is a reoccuring theme throughout the scriptures, especially in the Old Testament and the Book of Mormon. I am reading these two books simultaneously right now and find many of the parallels quite interesting.
For example, at the same time I am reading about Lehi's journey to his promised land, I am also reading about the house of Israel finally receiving their promised blessings and lands. Joshua 23:43-45
"And the Lord gave unto Israel all the land which he sware to give unto their fathers; and they possessed it, and dwelt therein.
And the Lord gave them rest round about, according to all that he sware unto their fathers: and there stood not a man of all their enemies before them; the Lord delivered all their enemies into their hand.
There failed not ought of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass."
So, here they are. Two hundred pages and a generation later and they have finally reached their promised land.
First of all, I am struck by the clarity and emphasis made on the fact that every blessing promised was given. Every one!
That is what the Lord's promises mean. He will fulfill. He works with us, in our time and in our ability to receive, but he will keep his promises. What did the children of Israel have to do before they could reach their promised land? They had to humble their hearts (took them 40 years to do that) and be obedient to the Lord's commands. Those were the more internal factors. Then, at the Lord's commands, they had to march forth against the inhabitants of the land. They spent years at war, working and fighting to finally have the land that the Lord promised them.
----
I am a visionary woman. The Lord blesses me with dreams and visions of my own future, my own ways to make the world, my world and my family's world a better place. He gives me the commandments I need to live to be successful and He provides me the opportunities to build and fight for what I have been promised. And in the end, and even along the way, I am blessed. His promises are sure, and I am surely blessed by their evidences in my life. He is "an high priest of good things to come" and my guide to my promised land.

Body and Soul

2006-08-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

Its because of Ian. I was 16 and he had just moved into the city and he was SOOO cool and so nice and so attractive and so Mormon. Being all of the above plus a faithful follower of his religion (is anything more attractive than that?) I took note of the ways he lived his life.
The year before I had taken issue with the amount of meat my family was eating. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints live by a health code which mentions eating meat sparingly, specifically in times of cold, famine, winter. Growing up in Arizona in the 1990s I didn't see much of any of those things. At fifteen I decided to give up red meat in an effort to live that counsel in specific ways. It was also an effort of will, I really loved a good hamburger, and what would I possibly do without eating my favorite beef stroganoff? However I found that it was really quite easy, and that there was always plenty to eat without consuming red meat.
Then Ian came along. Ian the soccer playing guitar strumming hymn singing eyes twinkling double dimpled vegetarian. Before you could say Salisbury Steak I, too, had become a vegetarian.
A trite beginning to a glorious life of vegetarianism? Possibly. Although I know that people come into our lives for reasons. I had contemplated the leap before that point; Ian's charismatic place in my life helped me make the jump. Even though he moved only a short time later, hisinfluence in that matter has made a lasting impact on me (one that he doesn't know
about!)
Being a vegetarian has become one of those issues where I learn more about why I should do it as I live it. First of all, I don't claim to be as informed about it as most. I am not a vigilante, I am just quietly trying to live what I feel good about.

Body
I feel good, being a vegetarian. I feel energetic, healthy, light. I don't suffer from weight issues (although I know there are a lot of factors behind that as well) and I feel the absence of that sort of meat-heaviness helps me to crave foods that are healthy for the body. I don't remember all of the health stats that proclaim why and how a vegetarian lifestyle is beneficial; I usually read them, think "oh yeah, I experience that!" and forget what I have read. I want to be a more conscious vegetarian, learning concrete ways this menu choice affects my physical health. But for now, mostly I can just day that I love the way my vegetarian body feels.

Soul
I got an email from a friend who described an incident where he was expected to kill the crab that he was going to eat for dinner. He said that it made him want to never eat meat again to have to see a living, crawling, life-ful creature turn lifeless, for his benefit. He called himself a "wus", I couldn't disagree any more wholeheartedly. Such a reaction, I felt, was the result of an intense respect for life. This young man was serving a mission, a time of spiritual development and working relationship with the Savior Jesus Christ. The love he felt for that small, animal life was simply a manifestation of the love he had been gaining as he served the Lord's children. We are told that even a sparrow doesn't fall from the sky without God being aware of it. He loves all of his creations.
It is my own personal belief that we will all end up being vegetarians anyways. Nothing really doctrinal to support that, just my own thoughts and conclusions. If Zion and the millenial reign of the Savior on the earth (both of which I believe in) are times of perfect peace and no death, it makes me think that the same will apply in the animal kingdom. That, of course is hinted at in Isaiah and throughout the scriptures. Why would the lamb lay down with the lion, only to be eaten by the human?
I feel that if my heart and mind stumble upon a higher truth, even if it is not yet generally expected of us, I should do my best to live it. And even if all of my philosophical reasons for not eating meat turn out to be wrong, I feel that this vegetarian living has made me a more gentle human being, loving of all God's creations. (except cockroaches. please don't call me on the cockroaches thing.)

One last thing. Like many principles, true or not, I believe each individual comes to it at his/her own time in his/her own way. I am not interested in forcing vegetarianism on anyone, or even guilting others for different lifestyles. I don't feel that there is anything wrong with eating meat, only that there is something very right about not eating it.

translated

2006-07-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

I want to be a better blogger, really I do. I decided I might just put in some of the email novels I have a tendency to write so that the things I am thinking abt make it onto my blog.
This is response to a question about the translation of one of my fav books, Crime and Punishment.
----------------------------------------

Languages are fascinating to me because we study and study them and
yet they are such an imperfect means of communication. each word can
be left up to the individual's personal interpretation. Even between
two individuals who share the same language communication breaks
down--esp between the sexes--don't they say that communication
problems is one of the biggest leads to divorice? I have my own
personal theory that true communication doesn't happen as a result of
words, but rather through shared feeling. After all, the Lord
communicates with us through the Holy Ghost. Do we actually
communicate with one another on a spirit to spirit level? I can't
tell you how many times I've thought of someone and then moments later
they call. hmm... lots of thoughts on this one...
anyway, esp. with literary works, they exist in their own world of
reference, their own time, own culture. A big struggle in poetry and
prose translationis finding the perfect balance between feeling and
exact wording. some translators think that a text should be
translated word for word whilst others feel that there should be room
for making idioms and other things understandable to the audience
intended. The version of c&p I read at 17 by Constance Garnett seems
very bland compared to the one by pevear and volkhonsky which seems
to give more space to the kind of feeling Dostoyevsky was creating as
opposed to only the exact words. But I imagine that your experience
with music is the same--the notes may be exactly the same in one
composition, but the interpretation and the way it is played varies
according to musician. is that so?

-----------------------------------
ooh, another thought--in Mormon doctrine what does it mean to be translated? And why is that the term used?

email from Grandma

2006-05-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

"I had to send an e-mail first thing this morning, so here I am to say "Hi, how 'ya doing dear?" What is happening in your life these days? Hope nothing but good things!!! When I see the morning news coming from N.Y. I marvel at the pace everyone keeps and the incredible traffic jams. How are you handling all that....expecially since you come from Cottonwood. Guess when you are young, it's exciting to be a part of the big apple. Did you take that position in the Catholic school? See, I'm full of questions! We are doing fine here in the Ozarks. Bowling season is over and I received the award for the most improved bowler of the season......yeah!!!!!! Gramps and I still go bowling by ourselves on Fridays which is fun. His life consists of taking long naps and sitting at the computer. We still hold hands occasionally when he plops himself on the sofa beside me in the evening. How great is that after being married 60 years! Hope you find someone to share your life with who truly appreciates the beautiful person you are. Don't ever change!!!! Love you, Gram Z."

no one else, Grandma, I promise.

luscious hair convention

2006-05-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

when my sister and I would see a number of people in a certain area all with similar characteristics we would claim that there must have just been a convention of some sort. A miniskirt convention. A weather forecaster convention. A neon coolots convention.
I had the opportunity the other day to ride home on the same train with what must have been the remnants of a luscious hair convention for men. In one train car I saw four men with shoulder length to long hair, all them perfectly product-ed and swingy, some with curls, some wavy, all with that Pantene shakeability and the "come on, just touch me" siren song of up and coming Fabios. And despite my inability to look away, I was reminded of a personal motto: never date a man whose hair is more luscious than your own. Amend that--never date a man who has any physical characteristic that can be qualified as "luscious."

family

2006-05-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

cleaning off my desktop I found this journal entry from last November...

11/28/05
Family is such an interesting topic. I have found my mind drawn out to it these last few months. Something about fall makes the idea of family run more freely in my blood.
I believe, unconditionally, that families have a right to be protected and to stay together. I believe that any family can decide to love one another and that divorce does not have to happen. I believe that I can do everything in my power and in God’s power to help my family stay together, both my current and soon-to-be family.
And yet, I sat just now having a conversation with my co-workers Caroline and Deborah. Caroline is a single mom—she and her boyfriend found out that she was pregnant and they decided to get married. The marriage didn’t last long at all since Caroline’s daughter Emma is about 18 months old and Caroline has not been married for a while, as far as I can tell. She is proud of her beautiful daughter and not ashamed of the circumstances surrounding her birth.
Deborah was adopted as a baby by a missionary couple. She was raised in Taiwan and Hong Kong. Her birth mother grew up in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Apparently she was a bit of a loose young woman. When a bit older her parents moved to Chicago and she ended up marrying the boy across the street who went and joined the Navy. While this fellow was gone, she would go back up to Green Bay and have trysts with her high school sweetheart. Thus Deborah was born.
Deborah herself married when she was in her twenties. From what I understand, her relationship with her husband was fairly platonic and they ended up adopting two Chinese children, Emily and Ben. Eventually they divorced and a short while later Deborah met Barbara, who has since become her partner. They have been together for a number of years now.
Deborah spoke of meeting her birth mother a few years ago and how she was so glad that she met her as well as very glad that she wasn’t raised by her. I commented that I felt the same way about my biological father. We both spoke to Caroline about how we felt growing up, knowing that we were adopted. I told her how I felt no lack; how my dad has never been and never will be my “step” dad, but how I was sealed to him through temple covenants, and that is the same thing as being born to him. I spoke of how grateful I was to my mom for always being so respectful of Bill, but also that she didn’t allow him to be a presence in my life. As a result I was never confused, I never needed to feel that my dad was my step dad because he wasn’t, he was my dad, my father, completely and wholly and no one else existed that could by any rights or means take that place.
It’s funny, I know that doctrinally and even logically the ideal situation is to be born into a family whole in its foundation. But I just wouldn’t change my history. And I felt joy in Deborah’s and Caroline’s stories. Life isn’t tragic—not even when we live it differently from the way that offers the greatest joy. And we can find joy in our mistakes and our struggles, the Lord allows us that. True, wickedness never was happiness. But babies are happiness. And connections are happiness. And the Lord wants our happiness. The question is only how much are we willing to accept into our lives? There is a greater amount of happiness, I believe, in being able to create children with the person you love the most in the world, sealed to him by the power of the holy priesthood.

in all reality

2006-05-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons that I didn't want to start a blog is because most of my thoughts tend to be on one topic and I feel like they are more journal-type-share-with-my-friends-and people-who-understand-me thoughts and not-to-be-aired-in-public-type thoughts. But then I realized that the only people who will ever read my blog are people who know me anyway and that the really personal things I do only place in my journal so I really can talk about that which occupies my mind which is the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the way that I feel about it and the way that I understand it and the way that our minds expand and the instant you begin to grasp ahold of one detail of one eternal principle you also find an entire black hole (white hole? because its the fulness of light?) of information inspiration and how there is no end to our learning and progression and we need to just keep asking questions. The cool thing is though, that there are answers!! All of them! And we can get a ton of them here and a ton of them later and dang, I love learning about the things that really, really matter.

black

2006-05-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

black makes it look least empty. less committment. if i don't feel like blogging anything, i can get away with it because i used black and black fills in the holes.